Hi! It's been a week since I last journaled, so the schedule for IVF has had time to sink in. Now I can't wait! It seems so far away until the action happens. But, it's kind of good b/c now that I have the schedule, I can make certain plans.
Like, YES to Twilight at the Zoo, which is great bc tickets were $65 and I was going to be sad if I paid that and just walked around and didn't have fun.
YES to my friend Joanna's wedding shower!
YES to celebrating my birthday with the girls!
Then no :( to Joanna's bachelorette weekend (which is scheduled for THAT weekend, or what COULD be that weekend). Clearly, I'd rather be making babies than drinking, but it is going to be a really fun weekend with the girls! But priorities!!
On to what's happened the last week. I started the birth control pills and I haven't really noticed any changes. It's been four and a half years since I had taken one, so I expected something to happen. Although my tummy has been a little unstable, but I'm not sure if that's why or not.
The husband and I are just enjoying the freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Not that we haven't had that for the past 10 years, but we feel like there's a countdown clock now.
I haven't been consumed yet with everything baby bc I don't want to go down that path before anything is certain. But it is fun to think about. Last week we had a 'sample sale' of items that distributers had tried to get my company to sell. For $10 I walked away with some really cute baby stuff for the nursery. Just some wall hangings that were nice, but generic enough to go with any decor. :)
Well, I don't have much else to say. I'd like to journal more frequently, but it's hard to get into. Besides, it's just for me, so who cares, right?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Holy Shit It's Happening!
So it's been over a year since I last blogged. Turns out it was too time intensive for me and I just felt like a whiner. But now I have something to write about, even it it's just for me.
Tomorrow I am beginning our first, and only, IVF cycle.
We made the decision several months ago to move forward with In Vitro Fertilization. It's the biggest decision we've made. We've already dropped about seven or eight grand over the last four years and have nothing to show for it. Well, that's not true. I've managed to pack on about 20 pounds. Now we're going to drop another thirteen grand on this last attempt that only has a 50% success rate. But I'm young and the husbands stuff is good, so we've got a really good chance. And more importantly, we are both being very, very positive that this is going to work! RIGHT?!?!
It starts with me taking birth control pills for three weeks. Sounds counter productive, I know, but it's to calm my ovaries down before we stimulate the crap out of them. Fifteen days after I start the pills, I will start injections of a drug called Lupron, which will put my body in a post-menopausal state, thus inhibiting ovulation. This means I get to experience all of the joys of being post-menopausal, including, but not limited to: hot flashes, night sweats, extreme mood changes, irritability and headaches.
After being on that drug for 10 days, I will have an ultrasound and blood work done to ensure that everything is working. Once I get the go ahead, I stop the Lupron and start injections of Folistem, which will over-stimulate my ovaries. During a normal cycle, women produce one or two eggs a month. With this drug, I can produce up to 15 or more! My ovaries are going to look like a squirrel with too many nuts shoved in his mouth!
Once the ultrasounds and blood work say that my ovaries have produced eggs of the right size and quality, (I sound like a chicken!) then I take another shot to release the eggs. The next day I will go in and have the egg retrieval procedure. This involves me being put under 'twilight' anesthesia while they use a very long needle to go in and suck out the appropriate eggs. FUN! But I get some Tylenol with codine to take for the pain afterwords, so that might be okay.
From there, they take my husbands refined 'seed' and combine it with my fresh eggs. Three to five days later, after intensive monitoring by the baby-makers, we're left with the superior embryos that have developed. I go in for a quick procedure where they will take a catheter and gently place the best two embryos into my uterus for them to attach and start growing into healthy little super babies! :)
Also after the egg retrieval, I start taking a few other drugs to prime the uterus to make it warm and inviting for my new super babies so that they'll want to stay a while...like 9 months. More shots and such. Good times! And these shots I can't even do myself bc they go into my buttock. So for 3-12 weeks my husbands sisters, who are nurses, get to inject me because my dear husband is too nervous to do it. But he gets to massage the area. That's supposed to help the absorption of the hormone. Lucky him!
I'm telling you, with all of the hormonal changes that are going on, if my husband even still wants to be around me, let alone touch me, I'll be lucky.
That's IVF 101 for anyone who didn't know what's involved. As the days go on, I'm planning on using this blog as a way to remember this journey. Then again, we'll see how that goes. I might get bored with it. Or, it will be the best damn blog I've ever written!
I guess we'll all just have to wait and see...
Tomorrow I am beginning our first, and only, IVF cycle.
We made the decision several months ago to move forward with In Vitro Fertilization. It's the biggest decision we've made. We've already dropped about seven or eight grand over the last four years and have nothing to show for it. Well, that's not true. I've managed to pack on about 20 pounds. Now we're going to drop another thirteen grand on this last attempt that only has a 50% success rate. But I'm young and the husbands stuff is good, so we've got a really good chance. And more importantly, we are both being very, very positive that this is going to work! RIGHT?!?!
It starts with me taking birth control pills for three weeks. Sounds counter productive, I know, but it's to calm my ovaries down before we stimulate the crap out of them. Fifteen days after I start the pills, I will start injections of a drug called Lupron, which will put my body in a post-menopausal state, thus inhibiting ovulation. This means I get to experience all of the joys of being post-menopausal, including, but not limited to: hot flashes, night sweats, extreme mood changes, irritability and headaches.
After being on that drug for 10 days, I will have an ultrasound and blood work done to ensure that everything is working. Once I get the go ahead, I stop the Lupron and start injections of Folistem, which will over-stimulate my ovaries. During a normal cycle, women produce one or two eggs a month. With this drug, I can produce up to 15 or more! My ovaries are going to look like a squirrel with too many nuts shoved in his mouth!
Once the ultrasounds and blood work say that my ovaries have produced eggs of the right size and quality, (I sound like a chicken!) then I take another shot to release the eggs. The next day I will go in and have the egg retrieval procedure. This involves me being put under 'twilight' anesthesia while they use a very long needle to go in and suck out the appropriate eggs. FUN! But I get some Tylenol with codine to take for the pain afterwords, so that might be okay.
From there, they take my husbands refined 'seed' and combine it with my fresh eggs. Three to five days later, after intensive monitoring by the baby-makers, we're left with the superior embryos that have developed. I go in for a quick procedure where they will take a catheter and gently place the best two embryos into my uterus for them to attach and start growing into healthy little super babies! :)
Also after the egg retrieval, I start taking a few other drugs to prime the uterus to make it warm and inviting for my new super babies so that they'll want to stay a while...like 9 months. More shots and such. Good times! And these shots I can't even do myself bc they go into my buttock. So for 3-12 weeks my husbands sisters, who are nurses, get to inject me because my dear husband is too nervous to do it. But he gets to massage the area. That's supposed to help the absorption of the hormone. Lucky him!
I'm telling you, with all of the hormonal changes that are going on, if my husband even still wants to be around me, let alone touch me, I'll be lucky.
That's IVF 101 for anyone who didn't know what's involved. As the days go on, I'm planning on using this blog as a way to remember this journey. Then again, we'll see how that goes. I might get bored with it. Or, it will be the best damn blog I've ever written!
I guess we'll all just have to wait and see...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I wish I could just know
So, we're at a point now where I am exhausted with everything.
The emotional roller coaster of it all has left us spent. Sex sucks. He works his business travel schedule around my fertile time, but when my body doesn't cooperate, like this month, then we end up screwed. I feel like this whole process is pushing us apart, not bringing us together. I'm worried that when we finally do get pregnant we'll be so over it all, that we'll just be co-existing together, but not happy.
And I don't want to hear peoples "tips" for making things better. Lingerie, romantic dinners, tender moments, conception vacations, massages, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! We've done them all! There is NO WAY to make sex on demand, month after month, sexy. It's a job. A job you start to hate. S hates it so much, that sometimes he just can't rise to the occasion. And I can't blame him. Nor can I say anything about it b/c that will just make things worse. He feels bad enough about it.
So, lately I've been wanting to throw in the towel. Give it all up.
Life without kids has it's merits too!
- We can do whatever we want, whenever we want
- no college funds
- move into a condo
- no daycare
- no sleepless nights (unless I'm the cause)
- no stinky diapers
- we can be selfish and only think of ourselves
But every time I think that maybe that might be a good choice, I am reminded of how awesome it will be to be a mom. I see how much my sisters kids love her and it gets me RIGHT here. Or how much all of our nieces and nephews love us and how we love them. If it's your own child, it has to be at least 100 times better.
I have played the scene out in my head a thousand times of telling S we did it, or telling my family and friends. It is so awesome! And every month when something is different, I start to think...maybe this is it! At least this month I know that another Mother's day will come and go and I'm not part of the club.
And I know this is weird, but if I'm never a mom, then I'll never get to be a grandma. That really sucks to me. I see what joy my mom and mom-in-law get from being around their grand kids and it makes me want to have that. Not that our nieces and nephews would shun us as they get older, but I don't want to be just an Aunt.
This all leads back to I wish I could just know! Know if all of this effort is going to lead to children or if it's just not in the cards.
I've told people that this is so hard b/c the outcome is completely unknown. With other accomplishments in my life, there was a goal and a clear route to achieving it. For college you knew that you had to take a bunch of classes and pass them and then you'd get your degree. For weight loss you pick a weight you want to get down to and then follow your desired action plan for achieving that goal.
Along the way you have measurable results. If you are good and follow the plan, then you lose a pound here or there. If you slip up or go on vacation, you know that you are going to gain, but know what to do get back on track. Or, if you fail a class, you have to take it again. But either way, you only have yourself to blame.
Fertility is completely out of your control. We've done the drugs, done the testing, done sex and insemination's at the right time. With no results! And western medicine just says, well, then you need more drugs and more sex and more insemination's. Or we can try to create a life outside of your body and then put one in and hope it lives. But only with lots more drugs and money.
I know there are no guarantees in life, but this situation really sucks.
And yes, I know that I shouldn't rule out adoption. I know several friends who have done it and find it so rewarding. And just about all of these people have told us, the easiest way to get pregnant is to adopt. Well, S & I have talked about it and we just don't think it's for us.
Our friends that have gone thru it have all had different experiences, just like having your own kids. Some paid big bucks (40k) to make sure that they had the best opportunity they could find and ended up with an adorable little girl with no problems and even looks like them.
Then I know others that either adopted foreign babies that were fine, but now have all sorts of issues or another that had the baby in their hands and then the family decided to keep it. I just don't think that I'm strong enough to deal with those heartaches.
Not that "our" baby would be guaranteed to be the picture of health, but I am afraid that if anything went wrong, I'd regret the decision to adopt. I tend to dwell on bad decisions, and I think that I would probably feel that way.
So, if we gave up and didn't do in vitro or adopt, my worry is that people will say we didn't want it bad enough. And then I wonder if they would be right. DO we want it bad enough? I say YES, we do want it bad enough. But why do WE have to jump thru so many hoops to get it?
Why us and not the countless women that get pregnant and don't want it. Why do I have so many friends that started to think about starting a family and the first month off the pill, BAM! Pregnant!
I have an identical twin sister that had pretty much no problem getting pregnant three times. Shit, when she called and told me she was pregnant with her latest child, I was so happy for her, but I couldn't hang the phone up fast enough before I started sobbing. Sobbing like my soul had died. I was genuinely so happy and excited for her, but I couldn't even breathe b/c I was drowning in my own self pity that she could manage to get it done THREE times and I can't get my shit together for one!
She was really worried about me during the whole thing b/c she knows what we've been going thru and never wanted to seem like she was flaunting it. She didn't even want to complain b/c she felt like I would be like, yeah, well at least you can get pregnant.
Then it was totally nuts! I ended up accidentally witnessing the birth. She was in labor and I was hanging out with her, and then things started happening real quick. The doctor almost missed it! They checked her and all of a sudden it was like, this is it! They forgot I was there, but then it was too late.
It was totally like a car crash! Horrific, but I could not look away! My god! After seeing that, I do know that when we do have children, I am NOT letting S look at anything but my face. I saw things I wish I hadn't, but it wasn't bad enough to make me not want to go thru it.
I was just a bawling mess! But I got the first pics of her new son and got to see him unfold under the warmth of the heat lamp and then get weighed and measured and all of that good stuff.
It was amazing! Completely fucking amazing.
Well, I've got to go now. I think this is good for me, getting it all out. Hopefully it helps me clear my head of some things and possibly rid my body of barriers.
Wish me luck!
The emotional roller coaster of it all has left us spent. Sex sucks. He works his business travel schedule around my fertile time, but when my body doesn't cooperate, like this month, then we end up screwed. I feel like this whole process is pushing us apart, not bringing us together. I'm worried that when we finally do get pregnant we'll be so over it all, that we'll just be co-existing together, but not happy.
And I don't want to hear peoples "tips" for making things better. Lingerie, romantic dinners, tender moments, conception vacations, massages, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! We've done them all! There is NO WAY to make sex on demand, month after month, sexy. It's a job. A job you start to hate. S hates it so much, that sometimes he just can't rise to the occasion. And I can't blame him. Nor can I say anything about it b/c that will just make things worse. He feels bad enough about it.
So, lately I've been wanting to throw in the towel. Give it all up.
Life without kids has it's merits too!
- We can do whatever we want, whenever we want
- no college funds
- move into a condo
- no daycare
- no sleepless nights (unless I'm the cause)
- no stinky diapers
- we can be selfish and only think of ourselves
But every time I think that maybe that might be a good choice, I am reminded of how awesome it will be to be a mom. I see how much my sisters kids love her and it gets me RIGHT here. Or how much all of our nieces and nephews love us and how we love them. If it's your own child, it has to be at least 100 times better.
I have played the scene out in my head a thousand times of telling S we did it, or telling my family and friends. It is so awesome! And every month when something is different, I start to think...maybe this is it! At least this month I know that another Mother's day will come and go and I'm not part of the club.
And I know this is weird, but if I'm never a mom, then I'll never get to be a grandma. That really sucks to me. I see what joy my mom and mom-in-law get from being around their grand kids and it makes me want to have that. Not that our nieces and nephews would shun us as they get older, but I don't want to be just an Aunt.
This all leads back to I wish I could just know! Know if all of this effort is going to lead to children or if it's just not in the cards.
I've told people that this is so hard b/c the outcome is completely unknown. With other accomplishments in my life, there was a goal and a clear route to achieving it. For college you knew that you had to take a bunch of classes and pass them and then you'd get your degree. For weight loss you pick a weight you want to get down to and then follow your desired action plan for achieving that goal.
Along the way you have measurable results. If you are good and follow the plan, then you lose a pound here or there. If you slip up or go on vacation, you know that you are going to gain, but know what to do get back on track. Or, if you fail a class, you have to take it again. But either way, you only have yourself to blame.
Fertility is completely out of your control. We've done the drugs, done the testing, done sex and insemination's at the right time. With no results! And western medicine just says, well, then you need more drugs and more sex and more insemination's. Or we can try to create a life outside of your body and then put one in and hope it lives. But only with lots more drugs and money.
I know there are no guarantees in life, but this situation really sucks.
And yes, I know that I shouldn't rule out adoption. I know several friends who have done it and find it so rewarding. And just about all of these people have told us, the easiest way to get pregnant is to adopt. Well, S & I have talked about it and we just don't think it's for us.
Our friends that have gone thru it have all had different experiences, just like having your own kids. Some paid big bucks (40k) to make sure that they had the best opportunity they could find and ended up with an adorable little girl with no problems and even looks like them.
Then I know others that either adopted foreign babies that were fine, but now have all sorts of issues or another that had the baby in their hands and then the family decided to keep it. I just don't think that I'm strong enough to deal with those heartaches.
Not that "our" baby would be guaranteed to be the picture of health, but I am afraid that if anything went wrong, I'd regret the decision to adopt. I tend to dwell on bad decisions, and I think that I would probably feel that way.
So, if we gave up and didn't do in vitro or adopt, my worry is that people will say we didn't want it bad enough. And then I wonder if they would be right. DO we want it bad enough? I say YES, we do want it bad enough. But why do WE have to jump thru so many hoops to get it?
Why us and not the countless women that get pregnant and don't want it. Why do I have so many friends that started to think about starting a family and the first month off the pill, BAM! Pregnant!
I have an identical twin sister that had pretty much no problem getting pregnant three times. Shit, when she called and told me she was pregnant with her latest child, I was so happy for her, but I couldn't hang the phone up fast enough before I started sobbing. Sobbing like my soul had died. I was genuinely so happy and excited for her, but I couldn't even breathe b/c I was drowning in my own self pity that she could manage to get it done THREE times and I can't get my shit together for one!
She was really worried about me during the whole thing b/c she knows what we've been going thru and never wanted to seem like she was flaunting it. She didn't even want to complain b/c she felt like I would be like, yeah, well at least you can get pregnant.
Then it was totally nuts! I ended up accidentally witnessing the birth. She was in labor and I was hanging out with her, and then things started happening real quick. The doctor almost missed it! They checked her and all of a sudden it was like, this is it! They forgot I was there, but then it was too late.
It was totally like a car crash! Horrific, but I could not look away! My god! After seeing that, I do know that when we do have children, I am NOT letting S look at anything but my face. I saw things I wish I hadn't, but it wasn't bad enough to make me not want to go thru it.
I was just a bawling mess! But I got the first pics of her new son and got to see him unfold under the warmth of the heat lamp and then get weighed and measured and all of that good stuff.
It was amazing! Completely fucking amazing.
Well, I've got to go now. I think this is good for me, getting it all out. Hopefully it helps me clear my head of some things and possibly rid my body of barriers.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The whole baby thing - Currently
After our holiday break, we made the decision to go a non-drug route. We'd start acupuncture and see how that worked out. Right from the first appointment, I've had a gut feeling that this is the right course of action for us. Even though he said it could be 6 months or longer to make it happen, I just FEEL that this will work. If this doesn't work, then lots of drugs and In Vitro Fertilization is our last hope. But that is $15,000 per pop and no guarantees. Not that there are any guarantees in life, I know I know!
Anyhow, our new Dr is a Chiropractor, Acupuncturist and Eastern Medicine specialist. We worked on getting my cycle and body in line. I swear, my periods are so much better now. Hardly any pain, no nausea or heartburn, spotting is pretty much non-existent. Very, very nice! Sure, it hurts sometimes (they are sticking needles in you, thin needles, but needles) but only for a few seconds. You lay there and get sooooo relaxed. S and I had weekly appointments together. He HATES it. He thinks it's actually taking years off his life. He's a goof!
Okay, so we got the cycle regulated. This cycle we were finally starting on fertility. YIPPEE! We went three days after the last day of flow and then are to go again the second day of ovulation. Good enough! You can tell when you ovulate pretty easily by temperature charting and using those ovulation kits to verify.
Apparently not this month though. My body is all out of whack. We had an acupuncture appointment right when I started my period and had some incense (Mogswart) burned on my stomach. No biggie...we've done it before. Well, two days later, my belly button is so gross! It's oozing and crusting and red and itchy. YUCK! When we go back for the next appt a week later, he gives me some tea tree oil soap to clear it up. I was having an allergic reaction to an ointment he put on to clean up the incense.
Right away the belly button thing clears up. BUT, now I have a rash all over my legs. And on my back and sides and a little on my arms. It's awful! So itchy and red and gross looking. I get stoned on Benedryl, but that doesn't even help. Thankfully I was able to get into a dermatologist right away and he gave me some prescription ointment to slather on. It clears up everywhere but my legs. (It's been 10 days and it's still here fyi, but doing better.)
So, anyhow, I was thrown out of my normal routine, so my temperatures have been ALL OVER THE PLACE. And the testing sticks are showing no Ovulation at all. From my history of about 14 months, I should have ovulated last weekend. No go though! I don't even feel anything going on and normally, I swear I feel the ovaries dropping the egg.
So, I don't know if it was the rash, the ointment or just stress (that's a whole other post) but I think we blew it for this month too. Which is fine, what's another month at this point, but why is my body messing with me?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I'm not really looking for a response, just bitching. ;)
Anyhow, our new Dr is a Chiropractor, Acupuncturist and Eastern Medicine specialist. We worked on getting my cycle and body in line. I swear, my periods are so much better now. Hardly any pain, no nausea or heartburn, spotting is pretty much non-existent. Very, very nice! Sure, it hurts sometimes (they are sticking needles in you, thin needles, but needles) but only for a few seconds. You lay there and get sooooo relaxed. S and I had weekly appointments together. He HATES it. He thinks it's actually taking years off his life. He's a goof!
Okay, so we got the cycle regulated. This cycle we were finally starting on fertility. YIPPEE! We went three days after the last day of flow and then are to go again the second day of ovulation. Good enough! You can tell when you ovulate pretty easily by temperature charting and using those ovulation kits to verify.
Apparently not this month though. My body is all out of whack. We had an acupuncture appointment right when I started my period and had some incense (Mogswart) burned on my stomach. No biggie...we've done it before. Well, two days later, my belly button is so gross! It's oozing and crusting and red and itchy. YUCK! When we go back for the next appt a week later, he gives me some tea tree oil soap to clear it up. I was having an allergic reaction to an ointment he put on to clean up the incense.
Right away the belly button thing clears up. BUT, now I have a rash all over my legs. And on my back and sides and a little on my arms. It's awful! So itchy and red and gross looking. I get stoned on Benedryl, but that doesn't even help. Thankfully I was able to get into a dermatologist right away and he gave me some prescription ointment to slather on. It clears up everywhere but my legs. (It's been 10 days and it's still here fyi, but doing better.)
So, anyhow, I was thrown out of my normal routine, so my temperatures have been ALL OVER THE PLACE. And the testing sticks are showing no Ovulation at all. From my history of about 14 months, I should have ovulated last weekend. No go though! I don't even feel anything going on and normally, I swear I feel the ovaries dropping the egg.
So, I don't know if it was the rash, the ointment or just stress (that's a whole other post) but I think we blew it for this month too. Which is fine, what's another month at this point, but why is my body messing with me?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I'm not really looking for a response, just bitching. ;)
The whole baby thing - history
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? All though high school and college I was so worried about getting pregnant. It had been drilled into me that if I did become pregnant, my life would be difficult.
Well, after three years of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, DIFFICULT is the perfect adjective to describe my life. When I say "my", I really mean "our" life. Me and my husband, S. Pre- baby making, life was good! SEX was good! My period was a fact of life. Now...I just want to scream and pull all of my hair out!
Here's my deal...
I have endometreosis. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. At the time, my doctor put me on a regimen of birth control pills (bcp). I took bcp continuously, so I didn't have a period for four years in a row. It was lovely. I never had to worry about timing with vacations, or moodiness or cramping or anything! It cleared up (or stalled) the endometreosis wonderfully! S & I talked about having kids for about a year before we decided to give it a shot. Given the issues I had with the endo, my dr said I would probably have a hard time getting pregnant (PG). S was very confident that the FIRST time we did it off the pill, I'd be pregnant. Um....yeah. Not so much.
So fast forward a bit - After trying for a year, I went to the doctor and got a bunch of tests done. Nothing startling was revealed. A few hormones were a little off, but nothing you could point to and say, that's what's wrong. I tried a few different hormone therapies and nothing worked. All they did was make me bloat and very, very moody.
Then our freaking insurance kept getting dropped so I ended up having three different doctors in the next year. During this my endo came back with a vengance. I ended up rushed to the doctor in pain, and scheduling laproscopic surgery to remove the endo and see what else was going on. The surgery was successful, in that it removed a lot of tissue, but they didn't see anything special going on.
A bunch of tests on every woman part down there later...everything looks good. WOO HOO! Just do it, do it, do it ALL THE TIME! Still nothing. Then our insurance changed and we could see just about anyone. YEAAAAA!
We started going to a fertility specialist. I was so excited. Right away he saw something wrong. I wasn't ovulating at the right time. A few months of clomid (fertility drug) should do the trick. He saw no reason why I wouldn't be pregnant in three months. AWESOME!
Well, that was over a year ago. We did clomid for 7 cycles and even did inseminations 4 times. Still, nothing.
I pretty much had a melt down in November. Every month we did everything we were supposed to and then bam...good ol' Aunt Flo came. Every month was worse than the last. By November, after spending thousands of dollars and under going all sorts of proceedures and enduring emotional highs and lows back to back, I'd had enough. I started crying and could not stop. I would cry at work, just sitting at my desk. I just couldn't take another month of disappointment. S was confused and upset b/c I just wasn't the person I used to be. We made a decision to stop treatments over the holidays. It was wonderful! No temp charting, no ovulation monitoring, no forced sex b/c it's the right time. Ahhhhhhh, I was living life like a normal person.
Well, after three years of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, DIFFICULT is the perfect adjective to describe my life. When I say "my", I really mean "our" life. Me and my husband, S. Pre- baby making, life was good! SEX was good! My period was a fact of life. Now...I just want to scream and pull all of my hair out!
Here's my deal...
I have endometreosis. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. At the time, my doctor put me on a regimen of birth control pills (bcp). I took bcp continuously, so I didn't have a period for four years in a row. It was lovely. I never had to worry about timing with vacations, or moodiness or cramping or anything! It cleared up (or stalled) the endometreosis wonderfully! S & I talked about having kids for about a year before we decided to give it a shot. Given the issues I had with the endo, my dr said I would probably have a hard time getting pregnant (PG). S was very confident that the FIRST time we did it off the pill, I'd be pregnant. Um....yeah. Not so much.
So fast forward a bit - After trying for a year, I went to the doctor and got a bunch of tests done. Nothing startling was revealed. A few hormones were a little off, but nothing you could point to and say, that's what's wrong. I tried a few different hormone therapies and nothing worked. All they did was make me bloat and very, very moody.
Then our freaking insurance kept getting dropped so I ended up having three different doctors in the next year. During this my endo came back with a vengance. I ended up rushed to the doctor in pain, and scheduling laproscopic surgery to remove the endo and see what else was going on. The surgery was successful, in that it removed a lot of tissue, but they didn't see anything special going on.
A bunch of tests on every woman part down there later...everything looks good. WOO HOO! Just do it, do it, do it ALL THE TIME! Still nothing. Then our insurance changed and we could see just about anyone. YEAAAAA!
We started going to a fertility specialist. I was so excited. Right away he saw something wrong. I wasn't ovulating at the right time. A few months of clomid (fertility drug) should do the trick. He saw no reason why I wouldn't be pregnant in three months. AWESOME!
Well, that was over a year ago. We did clomid for 7 cycles and even did inseminations 4 times. Still, nothing.
I pretty much had a melt down in November. Every month we did everything we were supposed to and then bam...good ol' Aunt Flo came. Every month was worse than the last. By November, after spending thousands of dollars and under going all sorts of proceedures and enduring emotional highs and lows back to back, I'd had enough. I started crying and could not stop. I would cry at work, just sitting at my desk. I just couldn't take another month of disappointment. S was confused and upset b/c I just wasn't the person I used to be. We made a decision to stop treatments over the holidays. It was wonderful! No temp charting, no ovulation monitoring, no forced sex b/c it's the right time. Ahhhhhhh, I was living life like a normal person.
I'm a virgin
To blogging, that is. It's something I've thought about doing for a while, as a release for all of the issues roaming around my head. My delay in doing so is that I felt my life was not anything anyone wants to read about. But I don't care if no one ever reads this. I'm starting so that I can get my thoughts down in one place.
Just so I remember the main things I want to write about:
- the whole baby thing
- weight issues
- goals & ambition
- friends
- love
- marriage
- faith
I'm sure more will pop up, but for now, that's enough to get started.
Just so I remember the main things I want to write about:
- the whole baby thing
- weight issues
- goals & ambition
- friends
- love
- marriage
- faith
I'm sure more will pop up, but for now, that's enough to get started.
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