The whole baby thing - history

WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? All though high school and college I was so worried about getting pregnant. It had been drilled into me that if I did become pregnant, my life would be difficult.

Well, after three years of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, DIFFICULT is the perfect adjective to describe my life. When I say "my", I really mean "our" life. Me and my husband, S. Pre- baby making, life was good! SEX was good! My period was a fact of life. Now...I just want to scream and pull all of my hair out!

Here's my deal...

I have endometreosis. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. At the time, my doctor put me on a regimen of birth control pills (bcp). I took bcp continuously, so I didn't have a period for four years in a row. It was lovely. I never had to worry about timing with vacations, or moodiness or cramping or anything! It cleared up (or stalled) the endometreosis wonderfully! S & I talked about having kids for about a year before we decided to give it a shot. Given the issues I had with the endo, my dr said I would probably have a hard time getting pregnant (PG). S was very confident that the FIRST time we did it off the pill, I'd be pregnant. Um....yeah. Not so much.

So fast forward a bit - After trying for a year, I went to the doctor and got a bunch of tests done. Nothing startling was revealed. A few hormones were a little off, but nothing you could point to and say, that's what's wrong. I tried a few different hormone therapies and nothing worked. All they did was make me bloat and very, very moody.

Then our freaking insurance kept getting dropped so I ended up having three different doctors in the next year. During this my endo came back with a vengance. I ended up rushed to the doctor in pain, and scheduling laproscopic surgery to remove the endo and see what else was going on. The surgery was successful, in that it removed a lot of tissue, but they didn't see anything special going on.

A bunch of tests on every woman part down there later...everything looks good. WOO HOO! Just do it, do it, do it ALL THE TIME! Still nothing. Then our insurance changed and we could see just about anyone. YEAAAAA!

We started going to a fertility specialist. I was so excited. Right away he saw something wrong. I wasn't ovulating at the right time. A few months of clomid (fertility drug) should do the trick. He saw no reason why I wouldn't be pregnant in three months. AWESOME!

Well, that was over a year ago. We did clomid for 7 cycles and even did inseminations 4 times. Still, nothing.

I pretty much had a melt down in November. Every month we did everything we were supposed to and then bam...good ol' Aunt Flo came. Every month was worse than the last. By November, after spending thousands of dollars and under going all sorts of proceedures and enduring emotional highs and lows back to back, I'd had enough. I started crying and could not stop. I would cry at work, just sitting at my desk. I just couldn't take another month of disappointment. S was confused and upset b/c I just wasn't the person I used to be. We made a decision to stop treatments over the holidays. It was wonderful! No temp charting, no ovulation monitoring, no forced sex b/c it's the right time. Ahhhhhhh, I was living life like a normal person.