I wish I could just know

So, we're at a point now where I am exhausted with everything.

The emotional roller coaster of it all has left us spent. Sex sucks. He works his business travel schedule around my fertile time, but when my body doesn't cooperate, like this month, then we end up screwed. I feel like this whole process is pushing us apart, not bringing us together. I'm worried that when we finally do get pregnant we'll be so over it all, that we'll just be co-existing together, but not happy.

And I don't want to hear peoples "tips" for making things better. Lingerie, romantic dinners, tender moments, conception vacations, massages, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! We've done them all! There is NO WAY to make sex on demand, month after month, sexy. It's a job. A job you start to hate. S hates it so much, that sometimes he just can't rise to the occasion. And I can't blame him. Nor can I say anything about it b/c that will just make things worse. He feels bad enough about it.

So, lately I've been wanting to throw in the towel. Give it all up.

Life without kids has it's merits too!
- We can do whatever we want, whenever we want
- no college funds
- move into a condo
- no daycare
- no sleepless nights (unless I'm the cause)
- no stinky diapers
- we can be selfish and only think of ourselves

But every time I think that maybe that might be a good choice, I am reminded of how awesome it will be to be a mom. I see how much my sisters kids love her and it gets me RIGHT here. Or how much all of our nieces and nephews love us and how we love them. If it's your own child, it has to be at least 100 times better.

I have played the scene out in my head a thousand times of telling S we did it, or telling my family and friends. It is so awesome! And every month when something is different, I start to think...maybe this is it! At least this month I know that another Mother's day will come and go and I'm not part of the club.

And I know this is weird, but if I'm never a mom, then I'll never get to be a grandma. That really sucks to me. I see what joy my mom and mom-in-law get from being around their grand kids and it makes me want to have that. Not that our nieces and nephews would shun us as they get older, but I don't want to be just an Aunt.

This all leads back to I wish I could just know! Know if all of this effort is going to lead to children or if it's just not in the cards.

I've told people that this is so hard b/c the outcome is completely unknown. With other accomplishments in my life, there was a goal and a clear route to achieving it. For college you knew that you had to take a bunch of classes and pass them and then you'd get your degree. For weight loss you pick a weight you want to get down to and then follow your desired action plan for achieving that goal.

Along the way you have measurable results. If you are good and follow the plan, then you lose a pound here or there. If you slip up or go on vacation, you know that you are going to gain, but know what to do get back on track. Or, if you fail a class, you have to take it again. But either way, you only have yourself to blame.

Fertility is completely out of your control. We've done the drugs, done the testing, done sex and insemination's at the right time. With no results! And western medicine just says, well, then you need more drugs and more sex and more insemination's. Or we can try to create a life outside of your body and then put one in and hope it lives. But only with lots more drugs and money.

I know there are no guarantees in life, but this situation really sucks.

And yes, I know that I shouldn't rule out adoption. I know several friends who have done it and find it so rewarding. And just about all of these people have told us, the easiest way to get pregnant is to adopt. Well, S & I have talked about it and we just don't think it's for us.

Our friends that have gone thru it have all had different experiences, just like having your own kids. Some paid big bucks (40k) to make sure that they had the best opportunity they could find and ended up with an adorable little girl with no problems and even looks like them.

Then I know others that either adopted foreign babies that were fine, but now have all sorts of issues or another that had the baby in their hands and then the family decided to keep it. I just don't think that I'm strong enough to deal with those heartaches.

Not that "our" baby would be guaranteed to be the picture of health, but I am afraid that if anything went wrong, I'd regret the decision to adopt. I tend to dwell on bad decisions, and I think that I would probably feel that way.

So, if we gave up and didn't do in vitro or adopt, my worry is that people will say we didn't want it bad enough. And then I wonder if they would be right. DO we want it bad enough? I say YES, we do want it bad enough. But why do WE have to jump thru so many hoops to get it?

Why us and not the countless women that get pregnant and don't want it. Why do I have so many friends that started to think about starting a family and the first month off the pill, BAM! Pregnant!

I have an identical twin sister that had pretty much no problem getting pregnant three times. Shit, when she called and told me she was pregnant with her latest child, I was so happy for her, but I couldn't hang the phone up fast enough before I started sobbing. Sobbing like my soul had died. I was genuinely so happy and excited for her, but I couldn't even breathe b/c I was drowning in my own self pity that she could manage to get it done THREE times and I can't get my shit together for one!

She was really worried about me during the whole thing b/c she knows what we've been going thru and never wanted to seem like she was flaunting it. She didn't even want to complain b/c she felt like I would be like, yeah, well at least you can get pregnant.

Then it was totally nuts! I ended up accidentally witnessing the birth. She was in labor and I was hanging out with her, and then things started happening real quick. The doctor almost missed it! They checked her and all of a sudden it was like, this is it! They forgot I was there, but then it was too late.

It was totally like a car crash! Horrific, but I could not look away! My god! After seeing that, I do know that when we do have children, I am NOT letting S look at anything but my face. I saw things I wish I hadn't, but it wasn't bad enough to make me not want to go thru it.

I was just a bawling mess! But I got the first pics of her new son and got to see him unfold under the warmth of the heat lamp and then get weighed and measured and all of that good stuff.

It was amazing! Completely fucking amazing.

Well, I've got to go now. I think this is good for me, getting it all out. Hopefully it helps me clear my head of some things and possibly rid my body of barriers.

Wish me luck!